The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning "many", and the
word "ticks", meaning "blood sucking parasites."
The celebrants were impressed with the centenarian's agility and good health, and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.
With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she had said. But, she said, “grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family”. When he tried that I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.
The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, “Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?”
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, “My lawyer.”
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
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